"Is the new
beginning a myth? It is only in the beginning."
What am I trying to say with this word game?
Honestly, I want to make you understand me and eventually to make some kind of
conclusion for yourselves. I’ve been told that this kind of writing –
the explanatory one – is unnecessary because there is no point in stating
things that are self-understandable. Well, for me it is not unnecessary. I know
how easy it is to think that you understand something but at the same time the
other one means something that is entirely different (and how otherwise I am to
satisfy my urge to share and amuse you with stuff about myself? :p). Here I
want to insert one fact about myself. Almost all the time I question my
arguments for the big and meaningful decisions in my life. It may sound as an
indication of some kind of personal insecurity but I decided to look at it from
another point of view. If I occasionally check if my arguments are still strong
enough and I actually am still positive about them, I become even more
confident than in the beginning.
Let’s go back to the subject – the new
beginning. Whoever you are, the reader, despite of your age I am sure that a
certain thought has crossed your mind. This is the thought that you would like
to abandon it all, to go somewhere else and just to start anew. Let me join all
those who cite cliches – there is no new beginning. This is what I think at
least, you may have another opinion. Why do I think so, you would ask? Because
before I came to Sweden I had this vision of myself – what kind of person I am
going to be, how I am going to feel, what I am going to do. These were not
expectations about what is to happen around me (these are still absent) but
what would happen within me. Frankly speaking, I have always had this desire to
write status updates, to upload photos and to comment as whole in the social
space of Facebook (for attention, of course, we all like it). So, before I left
I thought that I can give this desire green light. After all, I am to be on
exchange where the main goal is to do things that I wouldn’t do in Bulgaria. I
also thought that, being the girl that loves, seeks and finds the needed
attention in any environment, I am to be if not the same, even more extrovert.
Imagine my surprise when none of this happened.
It is a bit difficult to explain. I was on a
seminar organized by YFU Sweden where we talked about the fact that we have
been on exchange for half a year – how does it feel, what expectation we have
for the rest of the year, etc. Then I felt again something wrong about me being
there. Yes, I chatted with people. Yes, I laughed. Yes, it was kind of
pleasant. However, something was different. Somehow I felt out of place. Then I recalled all the seminars
that I have had with YFU in both Bulgaria and Sweden. I recalled the way I was
looking at these meetings. Then I recalled also how I was thinking about the
whole exchange. Do you know what a horror overwhelmed me at first? Some
questions popped up – What happened with this Kalina from the beginning? What
happened with Kalina who was so eager to go on exchange after the first
seminar? This was the first time in my life when I was wondering how it is
possible that I thought that way about that or the other thing. It was scary
because I couldn’t recognize myself.
All of this until now sounds a bit out of
context, so let me introduce you to a short summary of my present context.
Let’s begin with the fact that from time to time (in the past two months even
more often) I get in a state of one big and empty nothingness. I don’t feel
anything, I don’t know what I want and I don’t feel anywhere. I started calling
it “I don’t know” state. It took me a lot of time to actually clear out what it
is, a part from the fact that it is normal that there are ups and downs in my
mood. The answer that I came to almost made me end my exchange. As an exchange
student, STUDENT, one of my main activities is school. I do not intend to go
into detail now about the Swedish school system; I want to invoke those who are
in the Bulgarian (school system). Be grateful, for real. We always grumble that
because the Bulgarian school system is old, we learn things that are not going
to be of use for all of us. But, please, believe me when I say – the stress,
the tension, all the shit (excuse me), it all is worth it. It is worth it
because we learn earlier how to work/study under pressure. As far as I know,
wherever we are, whatever we do, there is always stress. It is worth it also
because we learn discipline in the most important years of our personal
development. School is not mainly for all the knowledge that you will have, not
that is most important according to me. School is to prepare us, to give us the
needed basis and even the bitter experience, so when we get out of there we are
to be able to go confidently further on. The freedom and the creativity that
prevail in the Swedish school system are truly a right. But not before one
knows the ultimate basis, the possibilities and mainly what discipline means.
I strayed a bit from the subject, but the topic
with the school systems is still kind of sensitive for me. My answer was really
simple. Due to this freedom and that everything (literally) is in my own hands,
I don’t know what I do. This is something that I am not really used to (and
this is why it became kind of a problem). We, people, depend on our
environment. I want to state as well that I do not put any blame in school and
my surrounding that I feel this or that way, I just state some facts that I discovered
for myself personally. When during the large part of my time which I spend in
school, I don’t know what is happening (or it simply doesn’t happen enough), it
is completely normal that this state of mind transfers to my psyche as well.
Here I would like to note that “I don’t know” is not caused because of my
inability to understand Swedish. I do not want to go into detail as well how in
classes who have nothing to do with art, even there the things happen so
slowly… This “I don’t know”, I concluded is my version of boredom. And what
would a bored exchange student do? They would dream and long for home. It is
not that I don’t want to socialize because people are this or that. It’s
not about not liking Sweden at all as well. You know, there are so many Swedish
things that fit me just perfectly. It is about simple boredom. But… boredom is
much scarier and worse than sorrow, pain and the negative emotions as whole.
Boredom is the ultimate and therefore scary zero.
I am kind of proud of myself that I came up to
these conclusions. I am actually getting to know myself in new situations, just
like I wanted from the beginning. Let me lift up the heavy atmosphere now. As my
mom has said, I start to find my own formulas how to move through life; in
particular how to handle these conditions. Of course it will take time – it is
not as easy as it sounds. Good things require time. Moreover, I try to
concentrate a bit more on the fact that for the first time in my life I have
such a clear vision about my future. Somehow finally I managed not only to
choose a direction in my professional development but also to know better what
kind of people I want in my life. If fighting boredom is the price that I have
to pay to know what I want… it is definitely worth it.
Now I wonder how to explain the matter with my (already
gone) willingness to end the exchange. Put shortly – I managed to rediscover some
deep buried impulses for me coming on exchange. When and if the wings of the
emotional based desires are cut, one can see the reason behind; but not before
that. When I realized those first impulses I could finally see why this new beginning
that I was imagining didn’t happen. To make it more dramatically, I used a metaphor.
Sweden is (in a way) my personal Himalayas as they are for the monks. I came not
to search for friends/family/education/language. I came here to find myself. You
can ask “But people get to know themselves better with other people and
contacts, after all this is the main aim of the exchange!”. I would answer that
I have these two visions: firstly, I believe that the really important things
will somehow find their way in my life and secondly, everything that I search
for, I have it in myself. I just have to find it. I still want to get back that
year in pre-school that I missed but in a more mature way. I still want to give
a chance to my inner world to expand and by expanding, it would enrich the one
around me as well. I still want to know how I can and cannot live. The thing
that I still want most is to appreciate everything that I have, even the things
in my old life.
Hm? My old life? Was there actually at some
point a new beginning? But I said that there are no new beginnings. Well,
apparently, there are. But there aren’t in any case in the beginning. Plus, the
new beginning that we get, really rarely matches the one that we imagined.
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