~ Somewhere in between
This is how I would summarize the past almost
ten months. I am somewhere in between Bulgaria and Sweden. I am somewhere in
between “it’s better in Sweden” and “it would have been better in Bulgaria”. I
am somewhere in between “it’s great” and “it sucks”. I am somewhere in between
everything that I have heard and everything that I know about the exchange.
Honestly, I realize now that this is exactly what I needed – one year of “I
don’t know” so when I finally come back I would “know” more than ever.
In the beginning I knew vaguely what I want and
I knew that I am going to get it here. I was trying on purpose to not think how
reality could turn out different because I knew that it one way or the other it
will be somewhat different than all that I imagine. I tried to hold on to this
knowledge as much as I could and just keep going. It is interesting how even
now when I look back, I have an odd feeling about something. The explanation
that I came to, is simple. Apparently, there was a big part of me that was resisting
and even denying the change that was already a fact. Exaggerated or not, this
change is truly major and irreversible. Why would I resist and deny it, you
could ask, isn’t this exactly what I wanted? Frankly, I thought I have found
the answer. Here I was planning to write “because I left an amazing life in
Bulgaria”. Only… how can I know if this is not exaggerated by the simple fact
that I don’t have it now? Didn’t I believe that I would feel better in Sweden
than in Bulgaria? I can’t allow myself to hide behind this explanation, not
before I get back home and see for real. The logical answers that I have, are not only that I twist my ideas but also I have the common human tendency to avoid
change simply because I don’t know what would happen. Another interesting fact here is
that I believed naively that once I find the source of the “oddness”, I am out
of the “storm”. The truth is that no, I am not at her core, but I still feel
some of the windstorms. Actually, why wouldn’t I feel them? After all, the
exchange is still not over.
Recently, my host mom shared with me the
feeling she got from me in the beginning. As if I have surrounded myself in an
imaginary sphere and I wouldn’t let anyone get closer to me. As if “I am here,
I don’t really enjoy and want it but I am here and I will survive somehow”. In
fact, it wasn’t like I spend all my time in room and being asocial; it was
something different. As a consequence to the so called “resistance” I turned to
be in a really bizarre place within myself. Let me just note here that in the
previous post I sounded like the school is the main cause for me to not feel
good. I don’t state that it didn’t cause me troubles of the mind, but it is not
the main factor. So. I got to that place where there were not only incredible
inspirations but also really frightening shadows. Those inspirations led and
continue to lead to unexpected insights about me and life as a whole. At the
same time a lot of questions emerged. Questions and issues that had started
emerging even when I was in Bulgaria. Thanks to the fact that everything around
me was different and that I was “indrawn”, I had the possibility to submerge
myself in them. It began somewhat a process of casting doubt on all kinds of
concepts that I had. I got a closer look on lots of “planted” ideas and I
started building them anew if they didn’t cohere with what I felt true on the
inside. For a long time I was engaging in the universal question “should or
want”. I started paying attention to my almost irresistible inclination to
criticize myself. I found when and how my closest people are able to influence
me. Then I dived in questions about my believes and in seemingly boring and too
“deep” topics (which makes me a bit boring when being with people). Altogether,
I developed love and even need to write in an analytical way. Gradually, after
each topic that I had dived in, after every “I don’t know”, I unfolded my sense
of confidence. It started growing because I trusted more and more that what
comes from inside is most right for me. Even if someone else has shown it to me.
To be honest, there is something almost magical
in how the meteorological weather influences the human’s psyche, especially in
Sweden. This is something that is noticed not only by me but also by other
exchange students and Swedes. I have felt in Bulgaria as well but here, oh, here the
influence is much more intense. It is doubtlessly possible that my thing with
the “sphere” and the “storm” is the result of my craving for “something more”
mind. It is undoubtedly possible that all of this is due to the weather that
was getting colder, darker and greyer. On the other hand, once it got warmer
and mostly lighter, I was able to look a bit more clearly on everything. Well,
this could also be due to the fact that the end of the exchange year is getting closer and
closer. For me personally, this and almost all of the other answers are…
somewhere in between.
