After a month since my last post I had enough time to “gather” material about the next one. You now have the chance again to have a glimpse at my following attempt at being an active blogger (so untypical for me, sometimes I don’t believe myself too). Recently I’ve been going through several emotional conditions mainly caused by me myself (these are the most serious) and I feel ready to share a bit of them.
I am always kind of proud of myself when I come to a nice headline for a post (and not only); this time I am even proud. Although it might sound too trivial or taken from a Facebook status with a lot of likes, it actually means something more for me. When you think about it, isn’t it everything exactly a matter of choice and there also these choices that form out lives; this is the way we choose the direction which our life will follow. Let’s see now… After a severe dose of self-criticism about how (and if) I am doing well with the exchange generally, I have come to the conclusion that it is totally unfair for exchange students to compare this whole experience with the one of others (exchange students). We are all different; we all have come with different reasons, whether to discover lasting friendships, whether to get to know a foreign culture and language, whether all of these together. However, each and every one is living it differently. One could actually say that about the life itself (hm, I with my 17-years’ experience would know, yep!); comparisons are absolutely inappropriate.
One of the most frequent questions that I get is “How are you doing with the Swedish?”, therefore I intend to write a bit about it. Dear readers, here it again comes to “a matter of choice”. When you think rationally, there are lots of ways available nowadays to learn a foreign language thanks to the Internet. Now think about a person who is IN the country where they speak the language. I personally have at least ten options available – from speaking more in school/family, through some internet sites and even applications for the phone, to the Swedish lessons. In the end it all comes down to the willingness. To some it may sound odd but I haven’t come to Sweden to learn Swedish ONLY. However, I do realize that if I learn the language, not only the communication (which is the exchange itself) would be eased but also I would get much closer to the Swedish culture itself. However, I feel like I need to not push myself, not this time, to learn a foreign language as if I don’t have enough time for that. It’s not like I don’t have the habit to learn (I don’t want to lose it either, like my parents are a bit worried) but this time I will just go slowly. I hope that with the next sentences I don’t offend anyone form YFU, I am just expressing an opinion. When the monthly newsletter (simply a letter with like two-three pages text from YFU) arrived and I read it, I felt a bit affected. I felt this way too whenever I have had contact with them and the topic was the importance of learning Swedish. I simply can’t get rid of the feeling that I am being indirectly told that if I don’t learn the language, I will fail; my exchange would have been for nothing. There is one more thing that made me feel even a bit angry. As a typical teenager I most sincerely dislike being told what NOT to do. This is why when I read the recommendations to keep the contact with parents and friends at home NOT online and perhaps a video call every second/third week, I get just a bit angry. With all due respect, we are talking about my relationships. I do understand why these things are being written, to urge the exchange students to live less with parents/friends in the homeland. I personally am trying to achieve the balance between “me” in Sweden and “me” in Bulgaria. I am not saying that is easy, but when you want it, you find a way. Also after reading the newsletter I had a talk with my host-parents and we agreed on that when they feel in some way neglected, they can always tell me. Why do I mention all this? It’s not only to complain to everyone, relax. I do it because I want to accentuate on that all students live through the exchange in different ways and that the excessive advices can sometimes make it all worse. I can think of another example about the advices. When I was on the pre-departure camp back in Bulgaria with YFU, I remember how I felt after the teamers have told us different situations during the exchange year. I felt horrified. I felt horrified because I understood how many ways there are for me to fail; how something as small as not turning your socks to the other side when putting them for washing, could lead to unpleasant situations. Actually, the first weeks (until I talked with my host-family) I was full of fear and doubt if I am doing things the right way; that, after I make even one small mistake, there would be bad consequences. I surely know that the information that we, the exchange students, are being given is not useless. I surely know as well that there might be situations where it does only harm. We aren’t here to be those perfect students that we have been told, we are here to get to know not only the foreign culture but ourselves too. We are here to find a way to the other culture just the way we are.
This paragraph is again to share some of my continuously growing school experience. I mentioned in the previous post, that I sit like a decoration in the classroom, and I can “proudly” say that still there is no major change in that. Well, I get more and more of the words; sometimes I am able to get like 40% of the conversations held. However, there are still situation when I just have to ask someone for help. I have absolutely no problem with the process asking, I have problem when I need to ask too much; I think I get annoying for the others or something. I feel really lucky to have classmates like mine for they continue being there, full of patience and ready to help! There are anyway the situations when although the teacher knows that I am an exchange student, he/she doesn’t like bother to come and explain personally (like he/she is doing to the class). So, yeah, this is the time for me to ask around. Perhaps the problem is in me, expecting that there will be someone who will guide you through everything necessary right away. For example, how exactly to use the internet platform that we use in almost every class or that I can see my personal schedule on internet as well; someone to tell you –lunch is form … to …; you can leave your bag here/there. The conclusion here is that if don’t dare to ask for it, you either don’t get it or you get it a bit later. Oh, I can conclude also that people (including me) simply can always find something to complain about. Yes, there may be some imperfections but I realize that they are nothing compared to what I get generally. After all, isn’t it more essential how the big picture would look like, rather not some small detail on it?
The last paragraph I dedicate to the storm of emotions that happens within me from time to time (I am going to write about me). My hearth-rending story how I tend to rise (like a feeenix) from the ash that has left after the devastating rage of the fires of nostalgia and sorrow. Honestly, these two feelings are not present that often but when they appear, they could be ruthless. The memory of the last appearance is still fresh so I intend to share to what conclusions I have come to. First of all, in such moments of weakness, I need to remind myself why I came on the exchange. I found out that the reason is quite simple – so that I have time to work and develop my personality away from the comfort presence of the people who are most important to me; so that I learn that I can do it on my own; so that I at least come closer to what I want to do with my life. I don’t want to be misunderstood; the friends that I have in Bulgaria are various enough and in particular they are all that I need. I didn’t “run” away in Sweden to search for something that I don’t get from them as friends, I “ran” to rediscover myself. This doesn’t mean that I am anti-social in school or something; it means that… ugh, it will take a bit more for me to make the first step towards someone. This is truly selfish but, honestly, it’s not like I can’t make the first step but I really get impressed when someone else does it. The people that I have met for now, are truly nice, open, different in the most beautiful way and extremely friendly. It is a pleasure to continue getting to know them. They (my classmates!), being one of the most united classes that I have ever seen, are trying and succeeding to make me feel part of their team. And I am still working on finding a way to thank them appropriately…
My goal to have enough time to focus on myself has its pros and cons – on the one hand, yes, I actually do have my time for myself and on the other – this is something new for me. Now I recall a drawing of my best friend Gergana (<3) which was showing in a simple way how freedom can in some cases shackle you. After I have been used to doing things because I “have to/should”, changing to “want to” is a bit harder than you can expect. Reason number one is that all this freedom simply confuses me – I don’t know where to start from. Reason number two is that I suppose that after my unconscious self was used to do and think about a lot of things, when there are like two-three maximum, it just tries to find something (even if it’s imaginary) to think about and most of the time make a problem out of it. The first problem’s solution has led me to another conclusion – if you don’t get up and does anything about whatever, it will not only get worse but also there is no one who can possibly do it for you. In moments like this, before I left for Sweden, I just used to sit and write everything on paper, explaining what I want to achieve, what I (don’t) like and so on. Now I realize that it has never really worked for me. Honestly, if you want to… become more confident in the way you dress (for instance), you just start, somehow, but you start (like going shopping, dunno). From there things come to their places almost by themselves. Concerning the second problem, the creation of non-existing problems in my head, I only say (write) one thing – self-control. It happens often that my thoughts just split into… five because I tend to search for as much as possible different points of view on the given topic (the scary thing is that I find them). Then I feel terribly insecure, confused and uncertain. Exactly here comes the self-control; to be able to find yourself among all of the diversity that you see. For me personally even the sole thought that I have the control over what is happening in my head, helps. Maybe I got too philosophical but I have proved for myself that the things I wrote can refer to a lot of various topics – from what to wear (girls’ problems.) to where and what to study, for example. The last thing I am going to just mention is another thing that I found that I like. It pleasures me so much to do things not “because”, rather “although”. The feeling you get after going through difficulties to reach something you really want is simply irreplaceable. I intend to strive towards it. Just to make clear – I don’t mean the striving for the idea to be able to say that you did it, rather more like finding the point of view that difficulties are actually a good thing. I think that this is the thing that develops most one’s personality.
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